Tuesday, February 06, 2007

Tag - I'm it...

Got tagged by Pension Plan Puppets with this popular blog feature...thought I'd play along. I hope the other Leaf bloggers jump in the fray too...

Team: The Leafs (I once had a very vivid dream that the Leafs drafted me and then traded me to the Habs. I was amazed to be in the NHL, stunned at having to play against the Buds. I awoke very conflicted.)

Uniform Number: I wore 16 for years, but due to high demand for that particular number, I’ve been wearing 37 - Cool Hand Luke’s chain-gang number - for the past few years.

Position: Wing

Nickname: Bob Cole likes to call me “the Leaf winger” or “Leaf player.” Everyone else calls me some variant of my name ending in a long “e”

Dream Linemates: Lanny and Mats.

Rounding out the PP: Salming and Bingo Kampman (he of the all time greatest Leaf name)

Job: Do whatever the team asks and do it well: garbage goals, cheap second assists, heart and soul PK-guy, sitting in the box for bench minors, rooming with some late round pick from Kyrgyzstan who’s got golden hands trying to teach him enough English so that he can let Leafs Nation know that he’s "hoping to help the big club" and he’s "taking it one shift at a time" and that he'll make sure he "gives 110%"

Signature Move: Wheezing so hard that my mouth guard goes flying across the ice, coming to rest at an official’s skate as a national Hockey Night in Canada audience looks on in disgust. That or chip it out and chase it…

Strengths: Brains over hands – in my dreams I play like a vintage Carboneau or a Gainey – in reality I just try to get to the blue paint. Most of my goals don’t hit the back of the net.

Weaknesses: Ref-baiting, been known to get the odd 10 minute misconduct for lippin’ off (though my mouth guard makes my trash talk sound as coherent as Essa Tikanen full of goldschlager).

Injury Problems: “Upper body”

Equipment: Old-school Sherwood PMP 5030 with the Coffey curve

Nemesis: Anybody that showboats. When you score a goal, you should act like you’ve done it before.

Scandal Involvement: A big black mark for gleefully backing-up Chelios’ death-threats against the Commish.

Who I’d face in the Stanley Cup Finals: I lived in Edmonton for a while and, believe it or not I have fond memories, so I’ll go with the Oil (if it’s my dream, it’s got to be an all-Canada final and Edmonton is far better than even imagining Calgary or Vancouver being there).

What I’d do with the Stanley Cup after our victory: I think there's a by-law on the books that, given the current cup drought, when the Leafs finally win it they will have to parade the Cup down every paved road in Ontario and 50% of the unpaved ones. I’m hoping my assigned route is more of the paved/urban variety.

Would the media love me or hate me?: They’d all come to me for insight and analysis but forget to cite me as a source…I’d be a tad too sycophantic with the media higher-ups looking for a big money gig with CBCTSNSportsnetTheScore once my playing days were done (only to find out the best offer I could hope for is a part-time gig on OTR as Michael Landsbergh's PA)

1 comment:

  1. Nice. I especially like the part about teaching the Leafs golden boy from a former soviet republic how to dish out cliches with the best of them.

    Citations? the media doesn't have to acknowledge ideas from the internet, that's in the public domain.

    And it's all the paved roads in Canada. Or at least it is in my Stanley Cup Revenge Tour.